we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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