ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Randomize
