he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Randomize
