I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
