Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
pop tarts are not kleenex
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
