Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Randomize
