Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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