Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
we should paint friendship bongs
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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