Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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