It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
