I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
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