you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
