is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Randomize
