If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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