I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
