saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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