so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Randomize
