I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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