Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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