you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
