Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
