woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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