i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
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