put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize