best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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