my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
