I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
