im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
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