Bisexual people are plain selfish.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
