Apparently you make a good broom.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
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