what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I love the progression of these pictures. I go from cute to Courtney Love
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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