I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
