I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
