Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
