where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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