found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize