Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
