Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
