Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
