there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
