I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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