but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
