I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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