you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
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