I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
