my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
