Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
50% drunk capacity currently
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
