I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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