I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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