she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
