I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
try to milk me bitch
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