nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
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