I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
This toilet bowl is my home.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
