Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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