party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Randomize
